Hi (:
My name is Chair and I rock.
Seventeen candles on the 28th September '09. I ♥ cocktails, cocaine, and clubbing.

PARAMORE
is the bomb.
you know you love me
xoxo


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at 10:49 PM

This is the first time in my own entire 14 yrs of life I've felt so useless. My brother made me felt that i'm useless.Just because he is at Pulau Ubin with his colleagues, and cant do anything about it, he asked me to do. Ok fine, I'm willing to help but just that hey hey... things arent so easy. Its not that I dont want to help, I want to help and I tried my very best but guess what people, the internet connection was all ruined. Ok, Its like not working even if I shake it, I plug it in and out and finally I see the glow of light in my internet connection and so I quickly on the computer and all the while but brother was making the sound " tsk.." impatiently. I was there trying to fix the damn internet connector thingy and he was like " I always can do one what,why you cannot do. " and scolded me. Then my maid was feeding the rabbits and she was like busy and I called her over to help but she went back to put the water for my rabbits properly and then great, my brother was like " call her back, I thought she helping you! " in a demanding tone.

Ok, so whats up bro? Feeling unhappy cause you're stressed up by Dad? Whoa hoa... man, am I not stress? Am I not stressed up by Mum? You think I dont feel stress when Dad is working out there late at night,striving to earn money. Ok, I know you do more things for him then me, you're capable of computer,does it mean that I must be capable in computer too? Sometimes I just cant stand you. Grow up man, I'm 14 already. And you still joke around with me like I'm an 3 year old kid. Once, ok, maybe its funny ,twice, getting a little annoyed, thrice, really want you to keep quiet, fourth time, Im feeling pissed. Ok ,but you see, you dont do ONLY four times, ok, you do like thousands of time and its like EVERYDAY. Evening you eat, you kid around idiotly, all the while. And you would just say " remember when you're young,you always run around like that with your shh shh bolster and ahhh!! " and he start screaming like a mad kid. Ok, tell you what, his 25 this year. And the crazy things he do is not only this ok.This is only the minor one! And I always wanted to tell him that " hallo?you've already said, you've said " remember last time when you were young" , ok bro, you've already made it clear that I was young and it was LAST TIME. so why dont you live in this century, ok , stop living in the past!!!"

Few years back, I was thinking ok, Family ruined, Ok at least no as bad as those in dramas. Maybe fine, its ok, I still can live like how I was when i'm young when mum and dad used to give me surprise presents and said its from santa and would make big delicious meals and would play with me all the times. Ok , few years down the road, Realise that whoa people, its way different. There's no nice meals, I face my maid everyday, I dont get to see my parents everyday, my dad is working in other country and my mum hates for betraying and stuff that they dont wanna tell me and I think its all history so my mum went back to her country and yea,there left me and my bro's here. Firstly I thought,ok, maybe they need time to cool down, whatever, sooner or later its gonna be fine. Ok, what bullshit crap I've just said?? No! Ok reality is, they hated each other and the reason is that this is an arranged marriage. I was born , first 5 years of my life was peaceful and comfortable and 6 yrs old onwards, my life totally changed. I was so young then and I had to trouble for so many things. I had to trouble things more than what my age should be.

8 yrs down the road,I change every single year. Every year, ok not every year, every few months, my parents would make something big for me to worry. Firstly, my dad would stress up my brother and my brother would be like darn piss when I talk to him. Then my dad would stress me up and tells me all those working nights and tiring days. Ok ,I listen. Then my mum would be pissing me off by asking demanding questions and come back and forth suddenly. But funny things, she doesnt want to live in this building. HAHA!! Have you ever heard? A mum who doesnt want to live in the building she used to live in??

Ok people, I know you're my parents so I respect you and never fight with you or what. And that doesnt mean I dont mind, ok, I still mind just that I dont you guys to feel whatever about me, and so I do whatever you guys want me to do. Actually you wanna know the truth? I'm tired! I'm sick and tired of you're quarrellings and grumble. I'm tired... I dont know how long I can withstand the stress you guys are giving me.

Brother always scolded me when I spoiled the computer and doesnt not how to FIX it. Ok, funny story, do I learn computers? and do you really want me to ruin the whole computer and spend another few grands on a new one? Believe me, I want to do so. But hello here buddy, you are the one who learn computer since young, and isnt it your job to teach me patiently. And hey you know what,the truth is, I DONT CARE. I seriously dont care how to fix a computer. And you just get so impatient. And when I really want to talk to you, you just keep joking around. you're TOO ALOOF sometimes and you dont know when to be serious.

If you want to know the truth. I'm very tired everyday. I know I cant choose which family I want to be in so I accept the fact and do whatever you people tell me to and obey you guys. But who doesnt want a nice and sweet and warmth family? Who doesnt want to live with open minded parents and siblings who understands you and stand up for you. I want it too...I desperately want it. But I know I dont have it, so I accept you guys. I dont go around being EMO CRAP and telling people how my life officially sucks. I be cheerful and happy everyday so that I dont get EMO and let people around me to trouble things about me. But if I can, How I wish I can go to school and let out all my feelings. But ok, I cant, I already created how I am in school and I dont know how to change to express everything I'm feeling. I'm not who I am if I do this...I hide everything inside and dont let out easily.

Everything is hiding in there, and I dont want to let it out. But the more you guys give me, the lesser I can withstand. Believe me, there are more things I have to trouble. Not only my own family, my relatives, money, life, bills and future. Ok, I have to admit, I'm not as rich as before already... everything changed. my condo is now this apartment. I cant afford those things I used to can afford anymore. I went back to a normal life.

So...just expressing whatever I've just felt here. In order to make me feel better. Cheer up, you can do it. Exams paper coming back tomorrow so you know you have more to go. Part of life, so vivien ,move on! Trust yourself, you know you will be able to set free one day... someday I will...

Labels: Feeling Useless